The Chicken or the Egg?

Since I began this blogging journey, I've had some great feedback from friends and family. Much of this has consisted of, "Wow, I never knew that about you," but I've also gotten a lot of comments in the vein of, "I've gone through something similar. Here's what I have found."

The surprising part of this? The nature of the advice. I have been approaching my soul-searching mission from a very analytical perspective. Analyze my past, examine my thoughts, then deduce an appropriate career path. I'm a pretty stereotypical Virgo in that sense.

The advice I've received, though, has been a lot more...touchy-feely. Don't get me wrong, I'm very much a touchy-feely person and I constantly find myself in situations where my emotions get the best of me, but I thought a more scientific approach would be my best bet here...because of my touchy-feely tendencies. Apparently the Universe thinks differently.

So that advice? It's all been about spiritual cultivation. Friends have suggested meditation, prayer, all that real soul-searching stuff. Which maybe makes more sense? The ultimate goal should be happiness and content, right? Money and a good job are really just a means to that end. So maybe I need to focus more energy on that whole Go to the Wilderness idea.

The problem with the touchy-feely approach? It takes too long! And yes, I am aware what an utterly lame excuse that is. I want results now! I have roughly a year left in my undergraduate degree and I need to know what comes next! I need to intern and find a job and start my adult life! I'm running out of time!

Which, of course is ridiculous. There is always time. So maybe I need to slow down and focus my energy inward.

I guess this just isn't the way I've chosen to prioritize my life. My plan was to figure out my career, then explore my inner self and gain a spiritual side. But maybe it doesn't work that way. Maybe the two are intrinsically linked. Maybe spirituality needs to come before career plans?

Which should come first, the chicken or the egg? Now I'm confused...

Our deepest fear.

I have a confession to make. I'm afraid. I am afraid that I may have found something to be passionate about. Admitting this exciting possibility is scary for me because it feels like the kiss of death. My past experiences have left me with the feeling that admitting my passion jinxes the possibility of success. This is stupid, I know. At best (or worst) this points to self-fulfilling prophesy. I say to myself, "I wanna do this!" and then the self-sabotage sets in. As soon as I commit some part of my mind or efforts to the pursuit of a goal, I start to imagine all the ways it can, and will, go wrong. I start to complain about how hard it will be, how many people are out there who are more talented, more beautiful, better qualified or connected. Blah blah blah. Excuses.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson

Is this true? Is self-sabotage just our minds railing against the fear that we are "brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" (To read Williamson's full poem, click here). If so, then this is good news. When that mean little inner voice starts to talk you down from the cliff, then you know it's time to take the plunge.

I had an assignment in my Careers class to write the bio of my career life ten years in the future. The paper needed to include our "current" job, the things we "did" to get there, and (Dun Dun DUNNNN) our passion. Sooooooo not fair. I keep telling my teacher that I don't have a passion! Why was she making me do this!? For exactly that reason.

Hearing the word "passion" sends my body into a full-on anxiety attack. My heart starts racing, my palms sweat, my breath becomes ragged and shallow. I look like a cornered animal. Why? Maybe because I fear that I am "powerful beyond measure."

I did the assignment. It took me a little over two hours to write out my first draft, but I was surprised at how easily the ideas flowed. I started off safe, exploring my real past. I am a firm believer in the idea that our past has an influence on our future. Once I got into the realm of fiction though, the words still came fairly easily. Yes, the ideas were a little loose and poorly researched, but there was definitely an idea there. I created a passion (crazy, I know) and I really feel some resonation with the idea. I used my Dream Board to guide me a little bit, and I found some dormant interests rising to the surface.

In a nutshell, this is what I said: My passion? "Supporting the arts and my own creativity." My future career? Public Relations...person(?) for an art museum in London.

OK, so this is still a bit vague, but it's getting a lot closer to finding my path. I had a thought shortly after learning about study abroad that I might try and intern with one of the art museums in London at some point. Why? Because they're in London mainly. There's more to it than that, though. I like working with nonprofits, and even though I have abandoned musical performance as a career, I still love to participate in the arts. I also have some experience with education and a life-long love of museums. Seems like a good fit. Why public relations? Well, it fits with my major, and it balances behind-the-scenes work with the role of a public figure. I like that too.

The passion I have picked is also vague. At first I thought this was copping out, but the more I think about it, the more powerful this choice seems. By keeping my "passion" open, I'm allowing myself to interpret it in many ways. I can support the arts and my own creativity by working for a museum, or writing children's books, or opening a community theatre, or marrying some rich guy and working with charities...the point is, this passion is flexible, and I need that. I need to be able to reinvent and start over without feeling like doing so kills the person I was in order to become the person I want to be.

Thanks, Careers class, for forcing me out of my comfort zone and making me realize my power.

The journey begins...long ago, in a galaxy far far away.

Deciding what to do with your life is never an easy task, and the older you get, the harder it can be to sort that out. When I was five years old, I knew what I wanted to be. A tiger. How I was going to accomplish this career goal, however, proved problematic. This was my first experience with career disappointment. The more I thought about how much I wanted to be a tiger, the more difficult my goal seemed to be, until one day I believed it was utterly impossible.

My next career goal was equally frustrating. By the age of six, I had lowered my sights to fairy. All I needed were a pair of wings and a little pixie dust. The wire and panty-hose wings my parents bought me (after much pleading and a few temper tantrums that I am not proud of) did not elicit the appropriate response, namely, flight. Likewise, the glitter I employed as generic pixie dust served no better purpose than to irritate my eyes and my mother, who had to vacuum up the mess I made.

At the age of six I had already begun to feel disillusionment for the phrase, "You can be anything you want!"

The logical result of these experiences would be to grow up a little and choose a career that was...real? I went through a long list of, "I want to be that when I grow up!" but to no avail (check out Careers I have considered for an up-to-date list). Although I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never change species or become a mythological creature, my goals in life still seemed too far fetched.

In this blog (a medium I am entirely unfamiliar with, by the way) I will take anyone who is willing on a journey through my trials and errors in pursuit of the perfect career. At only twenty three years old, I have already tasted many career paths and there have been plenty of opportunities and pitfalls that have shaped both my experiences and my outlook on life. As you might guess from the title of this blog, I am lost. I have felt passion many times. I have pursued passion many times. I have lost passion many times, and I find myself today at a crossroads, if you will forgive the cliche.

I hope that through the process of laying out my thoughts inspiration will hit. Maybe by stating my thoughts the path will suddenly be illuminated. Maybe someone else will read my stories and offer helpful advice. And maybe my experiences will help others find their paths as well. Cheers!